I really wish I could just mentally input text here say, when I'm driving and thinking it all out anyway.

To be said before typing anything else out, my depression meds have not been taken today so the car ride home from Lindsay prompted me to start thinking those sort of thoughts. Of course, it doesn't help that I opted to turn right on San Dimas instead of going home the way I normally do. I really did just feel like driving a little longer though... I can't help that it happened to take me to Via Verde.

It's just not fair. I hate to sound whiny and spoiled and have FWP all over my mind but it just isn't. It isn't fair to spend over two years of your life with someone just to suddenly wake up and not feel the way you did the day before as if all of the problems in the relationship just suddenly compiled themselves into one big ball of apathy and blocked any motivation to stay with that person. It's even less fair to have that happen and be left with all of the associations and memories built from said relationship. 

I hate driving almost anywhere I would usually drive and be struck with a flash of fond nostalgia that are soon colored black by recent updates. I drive to school, I go to Gamestop, I go to a friends house, I go to any fucking place in the fucking city and all I can think of are the things I can't do anymore with someone. I hate watching a movie or playing a game that is now just completely associated with him because now I can't play games at all or just enjoy things I used to. 

Elite Beat Agents, Rune Factory, ANY FIGHTING GAME EVER -- Specifically BlazBlue, Street Fighter, Marvel vs Capcom, and Mortal Kombat, most RPGs I own, Left 4 Dead/2, any puzzle game, any DS game.. hell, Dungeon Defenders even. I was supposed to be playing that with him originally anyway on the PS3. But nope. 

I can't eat places that I used to eat at because then it just feels like the people who know us will judge me. Can't speak to any people I know at school because MOST of them I know because of him, thus they are loyal to him and most of them are already judging me, I know this for a fact. 

I mean, yeah, I miss him, but only because of what he represented. He was sweet and caring, loyal above all else, and fun. I miss having another half, someone who thought about things similarly to me and did everything with me. I miss having a really good friend. 

But at the same time, I really don't miss a lot about him. I don't miss that his thoughts seemed shallow... shallow in the sense that I could tell him my deepest thoughts or fears or memories or anything and it just seemed to go right over his head... like he's had no life experiences to relate to, which isn't his fault, but I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle his lack of desire to further our relationship and actually be a couple, not just two kids dating out of high school. He was always too afraid of his parents. I was also much more sexual than him. I felt more manly, not just for the aforementioned fact but for so many other things in general.

I am very happy that I am not with him anymore. He is not what I wanted in a partner, yet at the same time, it really does feel like I just took a puppy that I've raised for the past two years, drove him to some far away city, tossed him out of the car, and drove back to my safe and comfy home. I can't help feeling so guilty and terrible. I mean, it's not his fault I just stopped caring, I just did...

Which begs me to bring up my next unwanted thought. 
Dustin.

I really, really, really, REALLY like him. So much. I can't even explain in words how happy he makes me.  

Then there's me, all full of negative thoughts and low self-esteem, constantly reminding him of that. He says he enjoys spending time with me and talking to me which I believe, but how long will it be before all of my negativity just starts to weigh him down? 

Not to mention I'm flying out to see him on the 14th. I'm so damn excited. Then I'm nervous. So nervous. Super nervous of how he'll see me in person mostly and then maybe just not being what I was cracked up to be. Nervous that I'm going to engage sexually with him and then just be tossed aside after, or worse, me doing that to him. I don't want to think I will, but who's to say that I won't build up some immense level of intimacy with him just to stop caring one day like I've already done once before? I hate myself for that sometimes. I hate not knowing how I'll feel tomorrow. I hate thinking negative thoughts for him, too. He's always having to console me because of that. 

Also it seems that every time I go to Lindsay's there's another small piece of information that I somehow get about him that suddenly flips my view on things. This really shouldn't happen but my mind likes to not be happy it seems so it happens often. Doesn't help knowing that he flirts with most females that also play video games. MIGHT JUST BE MOST FEMALES IN GENERAL. Who the hell knows. Only feeds my thoughts of, "Why me?" and "I'm nothing special, just another girl he flirted with that happened to like him back" and I can't help but wonder how long his feelings will last for me. 

But you know, before I even thought there was the remote possibility that he liked me I was completely fucking okay with believing that he liked Lindsay, especially with how many times she'd let me know that. I was completely okay with the idea that he'd hit on any girl he felt like or that he'd find anyone attractive and of course, now it kind of hurts.

Fucking awesome. Fuck me and my mind.

I think I'm really, truly falling for him, too. I don't really want to let myself think that I am, at least not until I meet him in person, but I really think I am...

Lying on my bed listening to Third Eye Blind and eating a pear naked while crying.

This has been my day so far.

So fuck Facebook fuck Twitter fuck Tumblr fuck parties fuck happiness fuck soulmates fuck personality quizzes fuck therapists fuck know-it-alls fuck feelings fuck break ups and fuck guilt.

Fuck the past and fuck memories.

Fuck the present and fuck what's happening.

Fuck the future and fuck all that comes with it.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye
It could be for the last time
And it's not right
"Don't let yourself
Get in over your head," he said
Alone and far from home, I'll find you

Dead, like a candle you burned out
Spill the wax over the spaces
Left in place of angry words
Scream to be heard
Like you needed any more attention
Throw the bottle, break the door
And disappear

Sing me to sleep
I'll see you in my dreams
Waiting to say
"I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Forever's never seemed so long
As when you're not around
It's like a piece of me is missing
I could have learned so much from you
But what's left now?

Don't you realize
You brought this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there could have been
A happy ending we let go?

Sing me to sleep
I'll see you in my dreams
Waiting to say
"I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep

Sing me to sleep
(You've taken so much with you)
I'll see you in my dreams
(But left the worst with me)
Waiting to say
"I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry